Sitting in meditation for nearly an hour each day gives one plenty of time to think, even though you're supposed to clear your mind and not be thinking. I'm starting to believe that's a tall tale and that no one can fully clear their mind when they're forcing it to be clear. The moment I sit down to mediate a million thoughts begin to cross my mind and at a rate I didn't think was possible. Put me in a philosophy lecture and I'll probably be zoned out and thinking about nothing almost instantly. Tell my mind to zone out and naturally it refuses, suddenly there are so many things to think about that just can't be thought about at any other time.
It doesn't really matter what my mind wants to think about, could be train times, could be people, the next vacation, work, camping, the best sleeping bags, getting winter tyres, food, skiing, things that have happened, things that will happen, there's no end to the list. I'm finding that the longer I'm here and the more I try to mediate the busier my brain gets. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm rebelling mentally from putting myself in a place with such a strict regime, something I've avoided since almost school days. Is my mind so undisciplined that I now have no self control at all and just let my mind wander freely at its own discretion? Is that a bad thing? Are we supposed to be able to reign our minds in to complete submission. Can I even look at meditation as submission of the mind to a greater control or a greater power? There are so many people that believe in mediation and have had out of body experiences or reached moments of bliss, but then there are lots of people that believe lots of things. I think I abhor the idea of surrendering control of my mind, I mean my mind is me and so surrendering my mind is surrendering me and I'm fighting meditation to the extreme. Who's to say the forces I'm surrendering my mind to are good forces? Maybe I'm completely misguided and have the whole idea mixed up. Maybe one day I will reach bliss and will come to love meditation. What I do know right now is that what is for brunch its usually far more important than emptying my mind.
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